Private Conversation  A RUMOURS Story
by BillA1
Summary: Synopsis: John has the “talk” he needs with Shayera after the events of “Starcrossed.”


Disclaimer: The characters Batman, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Superman & Flash their respective secret identities are all owned by DC Comics. This story is intended for my own pleasure and is not for profit. It has been posted to this site for others to read. Places and characters not own by DC Comics are my own creation. The RUMOURS stories are a special collection of stories based on the lyrics from the 1977 Fleetwood Mac album of the same name. A special thanks to Merlin Missy for her beta on this story.

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****PRIVATE CONVERSATION – A RUMOURS STORY  
**Rating: (PG-13)  
Synopsis: John has the "talk" he needs with Shayera after the events of "Starcrossed."  
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_Loving you isn't the right thing to do.  
__How can I ever change things that I feel?  
__If I could I'd give you my world.  
__How can I when you won't take it from me?  
__You can go your own way. – Go Your Own Way (L. Buckingham)_

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(Two months before Superman's speech in _Initiation_.)

"I don't know how to start to tell you what I think…what I should say.

"On second thought, yes I do.

"God, I wish you were dead.

"Are you shocked? Well, don't be, because I mean it. If you were dead this would be so much easier to take, so much easier to bear. The dead can torment you just like the living, but at least with the dead they stay as you remember them.

"They don't change.

"They don't go on.

"They don't make you wonder if they're thinking about you. They don't make you care. The dead don't give a damn and now…because of you, I don't either.

"I wish to God you'd died fighting…fighting Talak. Maybe that would make this easier.

"Who am I kidding? It probably wouldn't.

"I'm stuck with these thoughts that you're out there somewhere. And now I find myself worrying about you - wondering if you're okay, wondering if you're thinking about me.

"Damn you.

"Damn you to hell.

"After all this time, how can thinking about you still do this to me? Still upset my stomach, still put a lump in my throat? How?

"Yeah, I wonder if you're okay, but I'm not sure I should care anymore.

"But I do care and I don't know why.

"Your people aren't going to let you live long. You cost them too much money and time. Hell, they may have already gotten you by now. Maybe I've already gotten my wish. Maybe I should mourn your death rather than mourn your leaving.

"No. That won't work either.

"Maybe I have to see you die to bring closure to this. Maybe I have to _know_ for certain that you're dead.

"What?

"You thought telling me you loved me and leaving would give me closure? Maybe it gave _you_ closure, but it didn't do a damn thing for me except show me you were a coward.

"Yeah, the fierce Hawkgirl is a coward because you took the easy way out. You ran. Closure would have been for you to stick around and at least try to work something out; to work anything out; to be there for me; to let me be there for you. But no, you left.

"And don't give me some crap about needing to leave to find yourself.

"What about us? What about finding us?

"I told you I loved you. You knew how I felt about you, but you left anyway. And you know what you left me?

"You left me with a goddamn hole in my heart, a hole YOU put there. God, I wish you were dead - at least dead to me. But you're not.

"Damn you, you're not.

"YOU get to be the one who leaves. I'm the one who has to stay here. I'm the one who is supposed to tough it out because I'm the man. Yeah, I'm the man with the hole in his heart. Yeah, leaving was okay for you, wasn't it? But what about me?

"How about me?

"You were just using me anyway, weren't you?

"So. How was I? Were you thinking about him when you were with me? Sure you were. Bet you and your boyfriend had a big laugh about how gullible humans are, how foolish I was. You were laughing at me all the time, weren't you? Laughing at the stupid Earthling who thought he loved you when you said up front it wouldn't work. Yeah, you didn't lie about that, did you? You weren't going to try to make it work and you weren't going to stick around either. You left at the first opportunity you got. You always intended to leave. You said so when I…when the rest of us were held prisoner.

"You know what? You're just like any other woman officer I've ever met; always trying so damn hard to show you're 'one of the boys,' that you belong in the 'gun club.' Yeah, you belong. You didn't give a damn about me at all, did you? You only cared about finishing your mission.

"It was always the mission, wasn't it? It was never really me. I was just collateral damage; something to the pass the time while you watched and waited for your boyfriend to come for you.

"I was such an idiot. I was even stupid enough to have thoughts about raising a family with you.

"You! How dumb was that?

"I bet we can both laugh about that now, can't we?

"Look at this face. Tell me what you see.

"I'll tell you what you see. You see a fool who thought he loved you. That's why I watched over you all the time. But I guess you were banking on that too, weren't you? Whenever we fought the bad guys, as you called them, I was always looking out for you, always caught you when you were hit.

"Yeah, good old John, the doormat.

"I'm standing on the bluff overlooking my city. Remember when I said I'd give my life for you and you said I didn't know what I was saying? Well, it turns out you were right. I guess I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't know it was going to cause me this pain… that it would still hurt like this after so long.

"So tell me, Shayera, why did you pick me?

"Why did you let me pick you?

"You don't need to answer that.

"I don't want an answer. I need one but I don't want it.

"And yet, after all I've just said…as badly as it hurts to love you, I still do. God help me.

"And I'm so damned because I do.

"I wish you no ill, Shayera. I really don't. I thought I did when I started this…conversation, but I don't now.

"I'm numb. I'm just not numb enough. Not yet.

"Still, I'll get by and I hope you do, too. I really do. As we used to say in the Marine Corps when we said farewell to each other, 'Fair winds and following seas.'

"Take care of yourself.

"Good old John won't be there to catch you anymore, so I hope you can land on your feet because I'm going to try to land on mine."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"You finished yet? Or are you writing a novel?"

Stewart put the pen down. He'd been sitting on the warm grass for some time. This was his favorite spot, across the river overlooking the cityscape in the distance, and much against his better judgment, he'd returned there at the Flash's insistence. His legs ached. He felt the little twinges that signaled a leg cramp was coming as he straightened out his legs, having used them as a writing desk. He leaned back, extending his arms behind him and looked up at Wally, who stood next to him flashing a boyish grin. Wally had kept his distance while Stewart was writing, not wanting to appear to be reading over his shoulder as he wrote his letter to Shayera.

"Yeah, I'm done," Stewart answered as he gathered the letter he'd just written and stood up. He folded the four pages in half and then half again. Stretching and flexing his shoulders, he grunted with each movement; taking small satisfaction in the little popping sounds he heard, before stopping and letting out a loud sigh.

"Now what?" he asked Wally.

"Did you tell her everything you wanted to say?" Wally asked as he folded his arms across his chest. He looked around before adding, "You know, this is a real nice spot. I bet when the moon is full, this would be a great spot to -"

"For you to come up here and howl at the moon," Stewart interrupted. "I said I'm finished. Now what do I do, Romeo?"

"Well, you're supposed to burn it after you finish writing it. You know, get everything out of your system on paper, then destroy the paper." Wally grinned. "Then you move on with your life, leaving everything you said and felt behind." He cleared his throat and frowned. "Not that I have much experience in these matters, understand, 'cause the ladies all love me, but that's what they tell me you're supposed to do. Supposed to be Freudian or Gestalt or Oprah – I don't know."

Stewart glared at Wally for a moment before dropping the pages he'd just written on the ground. He ringed a large magnifying glass and focused the sunlight through it, concentrating the light energy on the papers. Within seconds, the letter burst into flames. Stewart kept the magnifying glass focused on the burning papers until nothing remained but ashes. Then he formed an energy hand that scooped up the ashes and tossed them into the flowing river below.

"Feeling better?" Wally asked.

Stewart looked at the ground where the letter had burned, then back at his friend. "Are you familiar with Pagliacci?"

Wally nodded and then shook his head as he looked across the river. "Is that the pizza place across the river?"

"No," Stewart answered quietly. "He was a clown, a broken hearted clown." He sighed loudly as he turned his back to Wally.

Wally was silent for a moment. He placed a hand on Stewart's shoulder as he said, "It'll be okay, GL."

"I know it will," Stewart answered. He knew his response wasn't as convincing as he wanted it to be. But he wasn't going to put on a tough guy act with his friend. He wasn't sure it would ever be okay. He knew there would be a time when it didn't hurt as much or when he could say to others that he was all right. But he also knew there would never really be a time when it was just 'okay.'

He flexed his shoulders again moving from underneath Wally's hand, turning to face him, as he asked, "Where are you supposed to be heading off to now?"

"Off to Mobile to offer membership in the League to Elongated Man. What about you?"

Stewart shook his head. "Off to Pittsburgh to see someone called Vixen."

"The lady fox, huh? Hey, let me take that one and you go see Ralph."

"Get out of here, hotshot," Stewart answered, rolling his eyes, as he leaped into the air and hovered next to his friend. "I've got work to do and so do you."

"Just sayin', could be a sign, you know, an opportunity. Think about it." Wally looked up at Stewart and flashed a large grin. "Later," he said as he turned and zipped off toward Mobile.

Stewart watched the red blur disappear over the horizon and recalled Wally's remark about this trip to Pittsburgh being a sign. As he headed off to offer League membership to Vixen, he decided he didn't care if this was a sign or an opportunity, as Flash had said. He didn't care if he missed it. He wasn't going to try and read the tea leaves anymore; wasn't going to look for love anymore. He wasn't going to wear his heart on his sleeve. No one was going to put another hole in his heart.

No one.

Not again.

He'd written the last letter he was going to burn.

END


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